Love life

What do I know about love? I was wondering myself about it months ago after my breakup. I am not an expert, but I have a certain principle about it. A principle I have acquired from my failed relationships throughout my life so far.

All teenagers are stubborn and unstable. It is part of the journey to discover the true self and which direction we/they want to go. Some people succeeded in starting relationship in their early age, it could last long until marriage and so on. They are the people who have a big portion of compromising skill, usually they are quiet and calm people. I was certainly not that kind of person, I failed many times, going to one relationship to another (as Cansu, my turkish friend, said being a monkey that is moving from one tree to anothers). But that’s part of me finding who I am and what kind of person is compatible with me. I don’t think it’s a waste of time, as long as I consciously walk and not get carried over by what is so called a sense of belonging as it leads to attachment. Attachment and getting too comfortable is very dangerous in the young age, in which I notice as time goes by. Most of the times I failed in a relationship is because we both stopped trying, and I stopped trying just because I was dissapointed many times.

Love ends when one of them or both of them stop trying.

Often people say that we need to love our couple just the way they are as well as the other way around. I used to believe in that and that occurs to me so many times in which in the tip of the relationship one of us take the other half for granted. The tendency after that is that we will stop trying.. Because we feel secure that he/she would not leave us, it is just too comfortable. I read an Indonesian book “Sabtu Bersama Bapak” (Saturday with dad), which I adore the messages it tries to deliver. It somewhat articulate what I have been thinking, and it was also in one of many conversations I have had with Damar.

Indonesian version:

“Membangun sebuah hubungan itu butuh dua orang yang solid. Yang sama-sama kuat. Bukan untuk saling mengisi kelemahan. Karena untuk menjadi kuat adalah tanggung jawab masing-masin orang. Bukan tanggung jawab orang lain”

English version:

“Establishing a relationship needs two solid and equally strong being, not merely mutually to fill in weaknesses. Because being strong is the responsibility of each person. Not someone else’s”

Damar once said, “I do not agree that someone wants to be with me because she needs me“. He also said “It’s each other’s responsibility to keep your other half keeps falling in love with you“. It’s an ongoing and non-stop effort. We need to try, willingly and sincerely. When you unwillingly do something only due to necessity and change you to someone you are not, that is not a good signal…

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: ‘What kind of man are you looking for?’
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’ Reluctantly, he said, ‘Yes.’
She began to expound, ‘As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man… or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’ The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated, ‘I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. She said, ‘I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.
I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy.
And by the way, I am not looking for him…He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.
When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, ‘You are asking a lot. She replied, “I’m worth a lot”.

The above story is clearly speaking out my mind. After the 3-years relationship separation, I wondered how could I feel he was the one when he was certainly not. I wondered a lot about love. The existence of it..

Finally, I came to a ramble conclusion.
I am a lover. Someone whom hungers for love and whom loves being loved. I’d rather be broken hearted than not expressing the love I have in me. With this feeling, I’ve never did it partially. When I love, I love fully.. And so how it was with my ex(es). I loved and I (thought) I was sure about my feeling.

Apparently, heart and brain are often not aligned. Looking back, I might unconsciously unsure within the relationship, about me and him as a couple. But it seems like I ignored too many red flags until I finally realized. Why was that? Because I held full accountable of my decision to be with them and I wanted to prove my self that I took the right decision to be with him. That’s part of my personality. Devotion…
However, no matter how hard I justified myself about the relationship, the answer from Him at the end was still a ‘no’. It mainly was caused by too many differences. In spite of me being very flexible, I had to compromise, a lot of compromising, a compromise up to the point that I feel I am not being myself anymore. Until I read the above article, I’ve never realized that I had never recognized myself in them. I’ve never felt to not to worry about a thing when I was with them.

I started with love and getting to know them. I naively believe that falling in love is passive and spontaneous. I was wrong. It is much more than that. The euphoria of love fades in a couple of years being together. The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person, it is learning to love the person I find. I don’t need love to be the reason with someone. Love is an active word, a form of nurture. When I feel I could team up with someone, that I recognize myself in him, the love would certainly come along and can easily be nurtured in deepening it.

I value myself too much that makes me selective on how to make a choice for my future life partner. How I choose him depicts how I value myself. I don’t want to settle for less. And nobody should. I need to be with someone who can keep up with me, whom I can look up to and have qualities to enable me showing respect. That man needs to have extraordinary dreams, dreams that can somehow be incorporated with mine. Dreams that can make me make a peace with mine. Someone who loves and able to take care of themselves well. I need a doer. Not because I need them in my life to fulfill my needs, but I need them to match with mine so we can go along side by side together until we reach our goals, together.

Then I can fall in love. Then I can nurture the love continuously.

If you’re young or in your early twenties, focus on shaping your personalities and qualities. It is a manifestation for good choices and a good life in the future..

To be continued..

Kutipan Peluk (Dewi Lestari dan Aqi)
“… Rasakan semua, demikian pinta sang hati. Amarah atau asmara, kasih atau pedih, segalanya indah jika memang tepat pada waktunya. Dan inilah hatikum pada dini hari yang hening. Bening. Apa adanya.”

Menahun, ku tunggu kata-kata Yang merangkum semua 
Dan kini ku harap ku dimengerti 
Walau sekali saja pelukku
Tiada yang tersembunyi 
Tak perlu mengingkari 
Rasa sakitmu
Rasa sakitku
Tiada lagi alasan
Inilah kejujuran
Pedih adanya 
Namun ini jawabnya
Lepaskanku segenap jiwamu 
Tanpa harus ku berdusta 
Karena kaulah satu yang kusayang
Dan tak layak kau didera
Sadari diriku pun kan sendiri 
Di dini hari yang sepi 
Tetapi apalah arti bersama, berdua 
Namun semu semata
Tiada yang terobati
Di dalam peluk ini 
Tapi rasakan semua 
Sebelum kau kulepas selamanya
Tak juga kupaksakan 
Setitik pengertian 
Bahwa ini adanya 
Cinta yang tak lagi sama
Lepaskanku segenap jiwamu 
Tanpa harus ku berdusta 
Karena kaulah satu yang kusayang 
Dan tak layak kau didera
Dan kini ku berharap ku dimengerti 
Walau sekali saja pelukku

Is love existing??
Now come to think about it, I can’t say if I have ever really loved someone. I had always jumped into one relationship to another, bringing relationship to another level.

When I was in that very moment, I thought I was deeply in love, heart was stolen and eventually taken. But It was not bluntly nor impromptu, there were always factors that support my decision to be their girlfriends at the time. I considered values and things in which I judged could be compatible to me (and often thinking about my family too). But then, after 2-3 years the feeling just faded away.. gone…

Not long after that, there came another men, heart was taken again and I thought I could not live without him. But, at the end that relationship once more faded away and gone………..
Why could it fade when the ultimate love should be staying and eternal?

I think I just did not understand what love is.  
If I did not understand then, what makes me understand now?

Does love exist when you always think about what benefit you could take from them? What value you could share together? Those things should not matter after all when it comes to love, no? At least, that’s how the spread theory that I understood.
I personally don’t think those matter so much from the definition theory of love. Love should be unconditional.

Freud so frequently attributed human nature to unconscious desires, his theory of love centered around the need for an “ego ideal”. His definition of an ego ideal is this: the image of the person that one wants to become, which is patterned after those whom one holds with great respect.
I think he is somewhat true. Although I don’t really agree in the part of ‘the person that one wants to become’, it’s more likely something that you will recognize about you in other people, something that just easily clicks and fits altogether.. And those things you recognize and you want to see in him/her will create respect towards that person.

So when respect is gone equals with love disappearance? Why?

Does love make you stay to take care your husband when they end up in a wheel chair or a commitment you have to deal with?
Love should not lead to a sense belonging or ownership where you think you should control them in a way that you want. Nothing should own no one except love to your very self.

Love supposedly comes naturally..(?) Love supposedly eternal…….(?)
Maybe it’s existing but when it vanishes, then it should not be called love?
Norwegian Wood book says “You would buy a strawberry cake for someone, running in the rain, come back finding out he/she doesn’t want it anymore, and you’re cool with it. You don’t expect something in return”

However, love with parents is different.
We were assigned to a couple whom He chose for us.
Our love is unconditional BASED on thankfulness, a need to make them happy because they made you happy as a child and be raised.
It’s different, because it’s a family and you bond by an unbreakable relationship. No matter how you think you don’t like them, there will always be a slight love and attention. Because you have to…

With someone in the opposite gender, you can break the bond whenever you feel like. Love can vanish.. But it’s A COMMITMENT that hold you tight. Love will vanish.

Ultimate love for me now is to my self (in which I am everyday still learning) and to my God.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs places self-actualization at the peak. He maintains that those who have reached self-actualization are capable of love.